Lindsey Graham - The Radical Grammar Obit
Lindsey Olin Graham, United States senator and ladybug enthusiast, died this morning, shortly after collapsing dramatically onto his fainting couch.
An Air Force veteran and Military attorney, he was elected to the United States House of Representatives in 1994. In 1997, outraged and disgusted by the idea of a man having sex with a woman in the White House, he took a lead in impeachment proceedings against President Bill Clinton.
When long-time Senator Strom Thumond, the president pro tempore and Grand Dragon of the Senate, announced his retirement in 2002, Graham, riding the sweaty throb of South Carolins Republican politics, announced his intention to go for Thurmond's seat. He climaxed his campaign by winning the election.
Disdaining a fancy office, his smaller office, a virtual closet at the Capitol, became a hub for a rising career, a breathy, heaving center of power he wielded with the touch of a fierce floral designer. He networked extensively in the corridors and streets of Washington. It was often said he "put the bottom in Foggy Bottom".
A graduate of South Carolina University and a passionate supporter of their athletic programs, he was often found in the Gamecocks locker room after a bruising contest, celebrating with the burly, towell-clad young men after a victory or offering his warm consolation after a loss. Often criticized for refusing to publicize it due to political expedience, his love for the Cocks was well-known throughout the halls of the Senate.
A celebration of life will be held at the Strawberry Vodka Social Club in Dupont Circle.
The interment of his earthly remains will occur in a service this week at Arlington Cemetary. Pallbearers will be a previously selected group of shirtless males from the local businesses he supported.
President Trump has ordered all federal flags be flown at rigid, pulsating full-mast in his honor.
His soul will be welcomed to Hell and into the arms of Satan around 4 pm est today.
Brent Sanders
Brent is a Nighthawk, a Falcons fan, and an astute observer of the human condition.
When he's not doing this, he's doing something else.
--with assistance from Hank Sanders